


see it through with newer hands

by meretricula



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Closeted Character, Coming Out, Gen, Homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-15
Updated: 2011-04-15
Packaged: 2017-10-18 02:43:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/184147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meretricula/pseuds/meretricula
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three generations of sons of the system.</p>
            </blockquote>





	see it through with newer hands

**Author's Note:**

> I was trying to write something else, honestly. this is... well, it's a topic that's very upsetting to me. I started crying when I was writing the last scene. I thought I'd got it out [a while ago](http://meretricula.tumblr.com/post/2760354564/groundless-speculation-is-groundless), but apparently not. for what it's worth: the point is not that it's true. I don't think it is. the point is that it's plausible, and the thought that it _could_ be true breaks my heart.

Pep liked to keep tabs on his players - not in a nosy way, he thought, but he wanted them to know he cared. He knew when a parent was sick, whose children were having difficulty in school. There were some he worried about more than others, though, and when he asked after Elsa at the end of a tactical chat, it was a formality more than anything else.

"We broke up," Xavi said shortly.

Pep stopped shuffling the papers on his desk. "Oh."

"It's not - it wasn't fair to her. We're still friends, it won't - it's not going to be a problem. I was just sick of - it wasn't fair." Xavi took a deep breath. "You understand me, right?"

"Xavi," Pep said.

"No, it's - you don't have to say anything, all right? I don't need to talk about it. But I thought you should know."

"Xavi."

"Seriously, coach - Pep. Pep, it's all right."

"It's not - Xavi. You're my player, and I hope - I hope I'm your friend. I'll support whatever you want to do. But are you sure."

Xavi looked puzzled for a moment, but then his face cleared. "I'm not - it's not like that. I'm not going to make a fuss, or anything. I don't mind the way things are. But I couldn't - I'm really not you, you know." He smiled, brief and rueful. "I want to play football, but there are ways I don't have to lie for it. That's all."

"Xavi," Pep said again, horrified. "Is that what you - I'm not - "

"Oh, fuck, I didn't mean - " Xavi said over his incoherent protest. "Pep, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it like - I just meant I can't be you. Not like this. I know it's not a lie for you but it would be for me and I can't do that to Elsa and I can't do it to myself. All right? I'm fine, I'm happy, I'm playing well. I just don't want to lie. I don't want to say anything but I don't want to lie."

"If that's what you want, then it's what I want," Pep said.

Xavi laughed, but it was a good-natured sound, not embittered. "Well, I wouldn't say it's what I what, but it's what I can have, eh? No, seriously, Pep. It's fine. I can see you worrying already and I don't want you to. It's fine."

"I just wish I could tell you something - something different," Pep said.

"You don't have to tell me anything," Xavi said. He got up, moving slowly enough that Pep could have dodged him if he'd wanted to, and walked around Pep's desk so he could hug him. "I know how to follow an example."

"You're not me." It was a strange, stupid thing, but the hug did make him feel better. As if Xavi might someday forgive him for not being the example he needed.

"There are worse things to aspire to." Xavi squeezed a little harder and let go. "See you at practice tomorrow, coach."

*

He didn't believe in regrets. He was a phenomenally lucky man and he knew it; he knew most people were never as happy as he was with his life. He loved his wife and his children and he loved football, and if he'd had to give up a few things to have them, that was the way it went.

Of course there were moments when he wondered. Not sordid encounters in dark clubs, but good men, men he had loved, who had made him think, if only for a second -

He wasn't ashamed of that. He could put names to them, even: Luis, Fernando, Jose, Roby. Manel. But everyone had moments, and he was happy with the choices he had made.

*

Pep considered himself a patient man, but even he had limits. "You've been pacing in front of my door for almost half an hour," he said, and permitted himself a small smile when Thiago jumped. "I have to go home sooner or later, you know."

"I need to talk to you," Thiago blurted.

Pep didn't say, "I'd gathered that," but it was a near thing. "Why don't you come in and sit down," he invited instead. He settled behind his desk and watched as Thiago collapsed into the chair opposite, where he immediate began to fidget in silence. Pep was sympathetic - he could remember every tiny crisis feeling like the end of the world, when he was that age - but he did want to see his wife and children at some point that night. "So," he began.

"Were the rumors about you and Manuel Estiarte ever true?" Thiago interrupted in a rush. A large portion of Pep's sympathy evaporated.

"That's a very personal question," he said coldly. "And not one that's any of your business, frankly."

Thiago flushed, but he didn't back down, which surprised Pep almost as much as the question had in the first place. "Coach, _please_ , I wouldn't ask if I didn't - if I didn't need - "

"If - oh. Oh." This was not the conversation Pep had expected to be having with Thiago, now or ever. "I hope you know that my preferences have absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I will always support my players," he said gently. "No matter what they need."

"Not _me_ ," Thiago said. He looked like he might burst into tears. This was _definitely_ not the conversation Pep had expected to be having.

"I'm guessing this has to do with either Rafinha or Jonathan Dos Santos," he said carefully.

Thiago jerked up in his chair. "I don't care. I _don't care_ ," he said fiercely. "He can date guys, he can date girls, he can date the whole first team of Real Madrid. He can date a fucking Argentinian. I just want him to be happy. He's my _brother_. But Dad - Dad - "

"I take it your father doesn't approve."

Thiago laughed, his mouth twisted into a line too old for his face. "He doesn't _know_ and it's bad enough already. Yeah, he wouldn't approve. And I can't - I can't make him stop saying this - this fucking stupid, this - this shit, and Rafa - " He broke off and swallowed so hard Pep could hear the gulp. "He's only eighteen. He shouldn't - I don't want him hearing it." More to himself than to Pep, he added, "He just - they won the league. He was so happy. It was my _birthday_."

"Thiago," Pep said. He was at a loss for what should come after that. "I don't - I'm sorry, but I don't know what you want me to do. I'll do anything I can to help, but I'm not - I'm not Rafa's coach."

"You're mine," Thiago said. Pep was fairly certain it would have hurt less if Thiago had punched him in the stomach instead. He rubbed at his scalp and forced himself not to look away as Thiago slumped, covering his eyes with the palms of his hands. "No, I'm sorry, I don't - Oscar doesn't know. Lucho does, I think. Maybe not exactly, but he knows - Jona's shit at keeping secrets. I'd talk to him instead, but he's leaving, and there's nothing he could do anyway. Dad wouldn't listen. It's not - it is what it is, all right? He's just talking, but nobody's going to make him stop. But if I - if I'm promoted, next year." He stopped and lowered his hands to look at Pep nervously for a moment before going on. "If I move up, I'm not going to be there as much and I - I can't leave him in that house with Dad, I can't, I just - I _can't_."

Pep waited, more out of hope than expectation. "So I'm buying a house," Thiago finally said, all in a rush. "I can - it's my money, I can spend it on a house if I want. But I need somebody to make Dad let Rafa come with me."

"And that's where I come in," Pep said slowly.

"If - if it came from you, if you said that it would be good for him to be more independent, or - "

"No, I see. It could work." Pep leaned forward and looked Thiago square in the eye. "Listen. Thiago, I will do my best to help you. I would help you regardless, because you're my player, but if you think your brother isn't safe at home - no, look, he may not be in physical danger but it matters if the environment is making him unhappy. If he isn't safe where he is, then that's something for the club to handle, and if it were a less sensitive issue I would turn this over to the director. No, Thiago, _listen._ I'm not going to. But you need to think about what you're doing. There are decisions you can't make for your brother, and this is one of them. It's his fight. You won't always be there to defend him. If this is something he wants - "

"Yes, I will," Thiago said in flat, unintimidated contradiction. "I will always be there to defend him. It's my fight too. He's my baby brother. I'm always, always going to be there. No matter what he decides, no matter what he wants." He sat up very straight and stared at Pep. "He's going to be a fucking amazing footballer someday, and he's going to date whoever he wants, and if anybody tries to hurt him for it I will rip them apart. He has to grow up first, but he will. Okay? And I will _always_ be there."

Pep couldn't help smiling a little as he sat back in his chair. "Okay."

"Okay?" Thiago repeated. He looked more confused than anything else.

"Okay, in that case, I'll take care of it from here," Pep clarified. "So don't worry. Now head on home, and I'll see you at practice. And Thiago - " he added, as Thiago got up to leave. "Thiago, Rafinha is lucky to have a brother like you."

"No," Thiago said. His face looked much more natural when he smiled. It was his usual expression when he was talking about Rafa. "I'm lucky to have a brother like him."

**Author's Note:**

> I know it'll just upset me if I go looking for citations, but if you're willing to take my word for it, there has always been a lot of speculation about Pep Guardiola's sexuality, given his general classiness and interest in culture, and especially his very close friendship with Manuel Estiarte. there is inevitably gossip about Xavi as well because he's been single for so long. the characterization of Mazinho do Nascimento presented here is entirely fictional but it's not exactly an uncommon attitude in professional football. 
> 
> Elsa is Elsa Egea, Xavi's ex-girlfriend. Luis is Luis Figo, Fernando is Fernando Hierro, Jose is Jose Mourinho, Roby is Roberto Baggio, and Manel is Manuel Estiarte. Oscar is Oscar Garcia, Rafinha's coach in Juvenil A. Lucho is Luis Enrique, Thiago's coach in Barça B. 
> 
> title is from [People All Get Ready](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hvzMSPzll4M) by the Frames.
> 
> I wrote this with all the love and respect in the world, and I hope that came across. 


End file.
